And now for some Levity

Discussion in 'General Conversation' started by Leprechaun, Jul 23, 2007.

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  1. Fish Witch

    Fish Witch Well-Known Member

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    Cynical Philosopher...

    ♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

    ♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

    ♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

    ♦When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.. men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

    ♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

    ♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

    ♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

    ♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

    ♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

    ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

    ♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

    ♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

    ♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

    ♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

    ♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

    ♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor .”

    ♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

    ♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

    ♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

    ♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

    ♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

    ♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

    ♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

    ♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
     
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  2. Eyekymo

    Eyekymo Well-Known Member

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    That's hilarious. Sounds like Steven Wright.
     
  3. fisherlady2

    fisherlady2 Well-Known Member

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    I loved his stand ups in the 80s! Wonder if he is still active?
     
  4. Eyekymo

    Eyekymo Well-Known Member

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    Not so much, lately. The Emoji Movie, last year. Did you know that he won an oscar for a movie that he produced? Quite an accomplished career.
     
  5. fisherlady2

    fisherlady2 Well-Known Member

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    Didn't know that... he was one of my favorite comedians, it doesn't surprise me that he was able to succeed beyond the standup.
     
  6. Gary S

    Gary S Well-Known Member

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    Makes sense now. Two of his jokes still stick in my mind - I was stopped for doing 55 miles an hour in a 35. Told him I wasn't going to be out that long. The other one was- I'd have been here sooner but the guy in front of me had a bike rack......
     
  7. Eyekymo

    Eyekymo Well-Known Member

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  8. 2angle

    2angle Well-Known Member

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    got this one today and thought the group may enjoy

    IMG_5296.jpg
     
    redneck and [email protected] like this.
  9. radioman

    radioman Well-Known Member

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    I was walking around the block the other day, & stopped to talked to a deplorable looking homeless man sitting on a bench,,,, I asked him how he ended up this way.


    He said, "Up until last month, I still had it all.
    I had a roof over my head & plenty to eat, ,,, my clothes were washed and pressed.
    I had TV AND Internet,,,, I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
    I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had dental & full medical coverage!"

    I felt so sorry for him,,,,,, so I asked, "What happened? Factory shut-down? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce???"

    He said, "Oh no, nothing like that," .... I was paroled."
     
  10. Ship

    Ship Well-Known Member Supporting Captain

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    image.jpeg
     

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