And now for some Levity

Discussion in 'General Conversation' started by Leprechaun, Jul 23, 2007.

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  1. Leprechaun

    Leprechaun Moderator

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    Three women in Mexico


    Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college
    graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
    executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did
    the night before.

    The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked
    if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College
    and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

    They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to
    the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness,and release her.

    The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last
    words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the
    power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

    They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
    Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

    The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm
    from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree
    in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody
    if you don't plug this thing in."

    Lep
     
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  2. i fish

    i fish Well-Known Member

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    More levity

    MY fav dumb blonde joke:

    Dumb blonde on an airplane gets up from her coach seat and goes to 1st class.Flight attendent sees this. Madam, this is 1st class and you have a coach ticket. You'll have to back to your old seat. No way, I'm staying here she replied. Fight attendent goes to cockpit. Tells pilot and copilot. Copilot says I'll handle this. Goes to blonde .Tells her to back she refuses. He returns to cockpit. Pilot says, My ex was a blonde, I know what to say. He goes to blonde. Leans over and whispers to her. He returns to cockpit. She gets up and returns to coach. Flight attendent asks what did you tell her. Pilot says I told her the front of the plane didn't go to Dallas!!!!!!!

    Len
     
  3. Mistress

    Mistress Well-Known Member

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    NOT a blonde joke

    Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
    The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?
    He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

    The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

    The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

    They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"? He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."
     
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  4. KevinK

    KevinK Well-Known Member

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    I was in a local tavern recently down in the Outerbanks when I saw in the corner a crusty old pirate enjoying a grog. I was curious about his peg leg, eye patch and hook for a hand so I pulled up a chair to share a few drinks.

    "Tell me sir", I said. "How did you come by your wooden peg leg?" "Welllll Matey" - he drawled. "Me mates were havin a bit of fun and we were all drunk on deck one night. Before I knew it they threw me overboard to sober me up! As I swam back to the boat I seed a fin break the surface -- and before me mates could get me back onboard the shark had a piece of me leg!" "Oh", I said. "That must have been terrible." "AYE mate, it were!", says he.

    "Then tell me sir, how did you come by your hook?" I asked. "Argghhh!" he says. "That were the time a squall line were blowin in from the North. I's a working the foredeck and bringing in the sheets. Just as me pulled the belayin pin, a big gust of wind come up and blowed out the tall sail. The problem were me hand were caught in the line as the sail blowed out. It ripped her clean off me arm!"

    "Well", I replied. "Sounds like you've had some hard times. So tell me, how did you come by your eye patch?" "Well sonny", the old pirate went on, "Me was swabbin the deck one day when a frigate and lots of seagulls flewed over the masts. Me raised up me head to look and - SPLAT! - one of them birds pooped in me eye!"

    - I paused for a second waiting for more of a story, then asked. "But sir, I don't understand. How is it that a little bird poop would cause you to lose your eye?"

    "ARRGGHH MAITEY!!! That were the first day me had me new hook!!"
     
  5. jon

    jon Guest

    A guy getting a checkup at the doctors office told the doc he was concerned about his wife since she seemed to be going deaf.
    The doctor asked why he thought that and the guy said she often didn't answer when he spoke to her.
    The doc became concerned and said it could be a symptom of something serious and the guy should find out how bad it is by asking her a question when she wasn't looking at him and to keep walking closer until she answered.
    When he got home, she had her back to him as she worked in the kitchen so he said "what's for dinner? No answer, so he walks 5 feet closer and asks again. Still no answer. He keeps walking and asking until he's 5 feet away from her when she yells out, "for the fifth time, chicken, you deaf idiot!!!"
     
  6. hpcast

    hpcast Well-Known Member

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    A blond gal is walking along side a riverbank. She looks over and sees another blode and yells to her "Hey how'dyou get to the other side of the river?" The other gal yells back at her "you stupid b!t*h, you are allready on the otherside..."
     
  7. Leprechaun

    Leprechaun Moderator

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    A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
    years.

    One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she
    was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would
    pay her a large sum of money if she would secretly go to Italy to have the
    child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
    child support until the child turned 18.

    She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
    To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
    and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child
    support payments to begin.

    One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

    His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."

    "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.

    The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card,
    turned white and collapsed. On the card was written: "Spaghetti,
    Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request
    bread..."
     
  8. BillyBoy

    BillyBoy Well-Known Member

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    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

    Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
    turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

    He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

    He sighed...

    "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
     
  9. jon

    jon Guest

    A brunette goes into the doctor with a major problem. She explains that no matter where she touches herself she gets horrible pains. The doctor asks her to show him and she touches har ankle and screams in pain. She then touches her elbow and screams again, so he tells her to stop. He thinks for a moment, looks carefully at her and asks, "you're not really a brunette, are you?"
    "No", she said, "I dyed my hair."
    He then asks, "you're really a blonde, aren't you?"
    She said "yes, I did, but how did you know?"
    He replies "Because your finger is broken."
     
  10. Everclear

    Everclear New Member

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    speaking of jigsaw puzzles....

    ...then there was the blonde who was so proud of herself that it only took her six months to complete her jigsaw puzzle........because on the front of the box it said 3 to 5 years.
     

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